


Pocket Dial

by Murataku



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Friendship, Gen, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-07
Updated: 2017-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-22 16:23:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9615818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Murataku/pseuds/Murataku
Summary: You have 10 new messages





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing these characters and for this fandom, so I'm not entirely sure how I did with this. I hope I got their voices right. In any case, I did enjoy writing this. Have fun.
> 
> (Please excuse any geographical errors. I'm not American, so I'm fairly sure I got some things wrong.)

**Saturday – October 7 - 2:30 AM**

“Barney?”

“My wallet’s in my other pants I swear, please don’t hurt m- Wait, Lily?”

“Barney, what are you doing out? It’s the middle of the night!”

“I could ask you the same thing. And I will. What are you doing out? It’s the middle of the night!”

“I asked you first.”

“Nothing. Just on my way home after a night of awesome with the hottest chi-”

“You struck out.”

“Maybe. We’re getting off-topic. What are you even doing here?”

“Well…it’s kind of a long story. I was at the bar and…”

 

**Saturday - October 7 - 2:40 AM**

“…and so now I’m locked out of my own apartment and I don’t know where I am, and also I’m wearing this scarf with pineapples on it and I have no idea how it got there.”

“Huh, it’s always pineapples.”

“So…Can I sleep on your couch? Just until morning? Pleeeaaase?”

“Ugh, fine. But just until morning. And just the couch!”

“No cuddling, I swear. So, where are we, anyway?”

“Manhattan, duh.”

“Can you be a bit more specific?”

“…”

“…Barney, do you actually know where we are?”

“It’s dark, okay? Everything looks different.”

“You climb out someone’s window every other night, how can you not know where you are just because it’s dark?”

“Because I didn’t climb out a window, I was shoved out of a car.”

“…”

“You know that line you told me wouldn’t work and I said it would totally work? Yeah, it didn’t work. Look, if I was up a fire escape I could tell you exactly where we are!”

“Are you seriously telling me you know the rooftops better than you know the ground?”

“Only when it’s dark!”

“Wait, so that’s what you were trying to do in that alley?”

“I thought if I climbed up on the dumpster I could maybe reach, but…Actually…”

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Say, Lily, how much can you lift again?”

 

**Saturday – October 7 – 2:42 AM**

“Ow! Careful, are you trying to kill me?”

“Sorry! It’s a bit hard…”

“…pfft…”

“You’re bigger than me.”

“Well I hope so OW! That was on purpose!”

“Oh, sorry, did you bump your delicate little head?”

“Okay, first off, I’m not delicate or little. My awesomeness is just concentrated, and you’re biased because you’re used to your husband who, and I say this with love, is a frickin’ Yeti. Second, the whole point is to get me up where I can see the rooftops so I can figure out where we are, not give me concussion! Now, heave!”

“Guh!”

“Gah! Hang on, got it! Huh. Wow, that took a look of groping around. Couldn’t keep your hands off me any longer, huh?”

“Barney…”

“I’m kidding! Geez. Okay, hang on. Ha! I know where we are! Oh, hey, beau- Uh-oh.”

“Barney? …Barney? BARNEY!”

“NotimetoexplainLilylet’sgo!”

“Wh-“

“Naked lady, _bad_ naked lady, got mad, got gun, gotta go!”

 

**Saturday – October 7 – 2:50AM**

“Is she still chasing us?”

“No, I think she gave up after she disturbed the cockamouse hive and they started to swarm. I always wondered what happened to that little freak of nature.”

“Why did you let me go into the apartment while one of those _…things…_ was in there?”

“We tried to warn you, but you didn’t believe us!”

“The bullets were bouncing off, Lily! They were bouncing off!”

 

**Saturday – October 7 – 3AM**

“Why don’t we just get a cab?”

“Why don’t we just call Marshall to come get you?”

“He’s out in Minnesota, visiting his family. There was some family event, I don’t remember what it was. I didn’t want to call and worry him, it would ruin his entire visit.”

“What, and you stayed here? …Good choice, his family are all giants, you’d be crushed! Alright, there’s still Ted or Robin. Neither of them have anything better to do on a Friday night.”

“I tried Ted, he won’t pick up. I think he’s asleep. And anyway, he’s got that rule now.”

“Oh yeah. Joke’s on him. Plenty of good things happen after 2AM. For example, yesterday something very good happened to me at 2:30AM. And at 2:45AM, and again at 3AM!”

“Woo.”

“You know you could at least _try_ to look happy for me. Fine, what about Robin, then?”

“Robin’s in Canada for Thanksgiving with her mother, remember?”

“It’s October.”

“Yes, that’s when they have Thanksgiving in Canada.”

“But Thanksgiving’s in November.”

“But this is Cana-“

“ _November_ , Lily.”

 

**Saturday – October 7 – 3:15 AM**

“Okay, this is the third time we’ve passed that club.”

“…No it’s not.”

“It is, I recognise the sign.”

“Uhhh, it’s a chain. They’re popping up everywhere, there’ll be one in your living room before you know it.”

“It’s even got the same drunk girl passed out by the door! Admit it, we’re lost.”

“I can’t believe you’re doubting me. I know exactly where we are, I jus-“

“Let’s just get a taxi.”

“No! I mean…there’s not even any around.”

“Is there some special reason you don’t want to get one?”

“Pfft, no! I’m just…allergic. To all taxi drivers. Always have been. Last time I touched a taxi driver I broke out in hives and threw up blue for a week. It’s a miracle a survived. True story.”

“You hugged Ranjit not two nights ago when he found the cigar you dropped.”

“Ranjit drives a limo, he doesn’t count.”

“But-”

“He drove our New Year’s limo, so he’s a limo driver. What, you think because he’s from Bangladesh he has to drive a taxi? They can drive limos too, Lily. Don’t be racist.”

“That’s it, I’m flagging down a taxi.”

“No, don’t!”

“It’s the middle of the night, why can’t I- Barney, let me go!”

“It’s not that far, we don’t need a taxi.”

“We’re _lost!_ I’m tired, it’s 3 AM, I just want to go to sleep!”

“We can walk, it’s a lovely night. The fresh air’ll do you good!”

“I don’t care if the air grants eternal youth and gives me a body so hot it burns these clothes right off me, I’m calling us a taxi!”

“…”

“Hah! TAXI!”

“Hey! That’s cheating, I was distracted!”

“Too bad! TAXI!”

“Okay, I’m afraid of The Driver, please don’t call him!”

“The Driver?”

“…Yeah. He’s, uh, this new driver, I think his name’s Gupta, but he’s got the Crazy Eyes, Lil. No, not just Crazy Eyes, he’s got Serial Killer Eyes. And he’s everywhere! I’ve got him like three times now, and every time the whole way home I can see his eyes in the mirror, watching me. I don’t think he’s even watching the road!”

“Wait, wait, wait. Barney, have you been walking halfway across the city every night, alone, because you’re afraid of a taxi driver?”

“He’s _terrifying!_ He’s like The Captain, except he doesn’t have a boat, he has a taxi. And that’s worse because he can’t just tip the bodies overboard, he has to keep them in the trunk so the whole time you’re in there there’s a body behind you!”

“Calm down! Fine! You’re sure it’s not far from here?”

“Yeah. Uhh….reasonably sure. Probably. Don’t make me get in the cab with him Lily.”

“Okay. We’ll walk a few more blocks. But if we pass that club with the drunk girl one more time, we’re hailing a taxi and we’re getting in, even if Darth Vader himself is driving.”

“Lily, are you kidding, that would be _awesome_.”

“Are we agreed?”

“…Fine. Agreed. C’mon, I think it’s this way.”

 

**Saturday – October 7 - 3:28 AM**

“Who leaves a sofa in central park?”

“Dunno. Think Ted could use a new sofa?”

“Barney, it’s in the middle of central park. Hobos probably pee on it!”

“That’s why we tell him we got it from a store. Keep up, Aldrin.”

 

**Saturday – October 7 - 3:40 AM**

“I know this street! I can’t believe it. We’re nearly there!”

“Would’ve been a good sofa…Hang on. Just gotta get something in here.”

“Come on, Barney. I just want to get to sleep, what could you possibly need at this hour…oh.”

“Coffee, milk, and eggs. You do want breakfast, don’t you?”

“…Are you okay with that? Even after last time?”

“Nnn, yeah. Just no roping me into your little domestic fantasies. The merest hint of spooning, you’re out the door. Here Miley, keep the change. Now, c’mon Lily.”

“Actually, wait. Just a second.”

“Huh? Lily, I’ve got the stuff, we can go now…Lily….Ugh, Lily, where are you, don’t just wander off and what on earth are you holding. What _is_ that?”

“Look, it’s a scarf. With pineapples! We’ll match!”

“What?”

“It’s cold out. You’ve been shivering the whole time, don’t think I didn’t notice.”

“I’m fine. Anyway, I don’t wear scarves with pineapples on them. Does this suit look like something you put scarves with pineapples on them on top of? Huh? Lily? Oh geez you actually bought it. No, Lily, stop.”

“Rug up!”

“No. NO. We are not doing that. That is not worthy of a ‘blank up’, Lil!”

“Oh, suck it up. You’re a big boy, aren’t you? Heh, or a big pineapple.”

 

**Saturday – October 7 - 3:45 AM**

“Don’t worry, it’s not for much longer.”

“I wasn’t worrying.”

“Huh?”

“…Were you whispering to your suit?”

 

**Saturday – October 7 – 3:55 AM**

“Alright. Bathroom’s there, kitchen’s there, I’ll be in there. Button for the TV’s here.”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“Okay. Night, then.”

“Goodnight, Barney. Oh, Barney?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

********

Two days later, Marshall pulled Barney into the kitchen and raised an open hand.

Barney backed up and felt his shoulder blades scrape against the refrigerator door. There was fear in his eyes.

“H-Hang on, Marshall, wait, Lily’s not here, she’s in the bathroom! S-Slap Bet Commissioner has to be here, you can’t just, TED ROBIN HELP!”

Marshall merely smiled, leaned in close, and patted him gently on the cheek. Then, without a word, he went back to join Ted and Robin on the sofa as if nothing had happened.

Barney leaned back against the refrigerator, rubbing his cheek and trying desperately to slow his racing heart. It was some time before he went back to the others. Marshall knew. Barney didn’t know how Marshall knew, and he didn’t know how he knew that Marshall knew, but Marshall knew. And instead of dishing out Barney’s rightful punishment for, among other things, nearly getting Lily shot, Marshall had _stroked_ him.

Somehow, it would’ve almost been less frightening if Marshall had just slapped him.


End file.
